The hardest part: Reality Lag

So. I'm back in the states now. I've been avoiding finishing my last blog posting because once I do, that means it's over? No. That's my defeatist part of myself talking. Where is the passionate, excited,and hopeful part? Back in Moscow?! That would be such a shame. I'm a spoiled little girl right now....pouting that I'm back 'home' feeling like nothing is as sacred or special or wonderful as my time in Russia. Why does it have to be all or nothing with me? Why can't I value my time spent and use it as fuel here? That's my challenge. That's the hardest part. I knew it would be difficult...so why am I surprised? I realize...Moscow didn't change me, it enhanced me...and like muscles...the enhancement can be easily lost if I stay idol. I have so much to be grateful for here. I came home to Josh who read all of my blog postings and whenever I am feeling down...or on our 15 mile bike ride yesterday...and I wanted to stop because the heat was too much- he screamed: SMILE! In his best Russian accent...and it instantly made me feel better. Not only was I blessed with an amazing experience, I have an incredible life partner who knows just how to help me bounce back to reality and not be a grouch about it. One thing I learned most from my Russian friends is how dedicated and disciplined they are, not only in their craft, but in life. I was told many times by them: life is beautiful. You ever joke about suicide? Or say- fuck my life? The Russians do not tolerate those statements. It instantly humbled me...because although I'm not serious and the joke of it is lost in translation- they are absolutely right. Life is beautiful. and as far as we know- this is it, for now- so make the most of it and don't be a shit about it. I'm talking to myself of course....I have a lot to be happy about. And I have a lot to give and do....so I'm going to stop typing and start doing. Thank you for reading my posts. Thanks for listening to my stories...and if you want to talk more about Russia/look at pictures of Russia/plan a trip to Russia, you know I would be more than happy to. :) But also, if you want to create anything with me....I would love that even more. Love, Vanessa

Tonight feels like Christmas Eve

When I was little, well, up until I was at least 16, my brother and I could barely sleep on Christmas Eve- we would be way too excited. Even thought we knew the secret of Santa, we still loved Christmas...my mom made sure to spoil us while she was here. And I haven't had that feeling since then, until now. Tomorrow is a big day in the best way. It's the last day of ballet. One more day of me pretending I could be a Russian ballerina. And to hopefully show Renard some improvements. I pray I don't freeze up when he asks me to count out and perform a rond de jambe. It's the last day of voice class as well. I'll be singing What I Did For Love...and the words are so perfectly fitting to our Moscow Experience...I can't help but get tears while I practice...what will happen tomorrow? I can't cry while I sing...but just in case I get emotional, Marina our teacher says, to get angry....wonder if that will work? The words: Kiss today goodbye. The sweetness and the sorrow. Wish me luck,the same to you. But I can't regret what I did for love. Look my eyes are dry. The gift was ours to borrow. It's as if we always knew. And I won't forget what I did for love. Love is never gone. as we travel on. Love is what we'll remember. Kiss today goodbdye and point me toward tomorrow. We did what we had to do.... That's just some of the lyrics, kumbled up a bit. but how perfectly fitting? I've been practing nightly, so I'm ready to throw down. Here's hoping I don't sob and can be professional, while my heart shines through. After singing is our second to last acting class. The one I will miss the most. Having acting class everyday just seems so right. And as much as I want to point fingers at my school and say, hey! We don't work hard enough, I know it is no one's responsibility but my own. I have to keep up my own work and push myself to learn and exercise my acting skills every day. I have a sweet étude planned out for tomorrow..it's going to be a dream funeral. A dream that involves my own funeral ( as a character named Anna in Chekhov's Ivanov). After acting class we have a unique opportunity to watch one of our masters (what the Russian students call their teachers and so I'm going to as well) perform! Ilya is one of our instructors for acting and he graduated last year or two years ago...and his showcase is still being performed til this day! It's that good! And I get to see it!! It's my favorite thing to watch MAXT students act. We meet Russian students in the hallways of our dorms all the time, and at night we hang out on the stairwell and have some drinks ( of water, of course) and smokes (no smoking for me...but I love to smell it). The other night I made them do some monologues for us...in Russian of course. And it was thrilling! We were so lucky to our own private show! The talent they have, is amazing..and their strong sense of ensemble Or 'familia' is what makes all the difference when you compare their work to ours. Most actors in America all want to be better than one another...they don't see what an asset it is to have a group of amazingness, rather than 1 or 2 stars. Ugh. Who wants 1 star when you can have 100? :) I'm not speaking for all, but it's just my impression...now that I have a slice of what it could be, I want more for us in the states. I hope to figure out a way to bring this idea with me and implement it somehow...with my attitude and approach to work.

I was happy...at the ballet

On Saturday night I saw Russian ballerinas perform Swan Lake. The theatre was beautiful...the curtain looked like a rich tapestry and the orchestra was huge and complete with a harp. It amazed me to watch a passionate love story without a single word spoken. Ah, Dancers. They are stunning and I can't take my eyes off of them...and I can't help to think, I must have been a dancer in a past life. I feel it in my bones when I watch dancers dance and I wish it were me. I'm a mess in ballet class. My form is good, aside from the fact my tights touch...my arms and legs are strong...but my feet- they are all over the place. Ugh. I get so discouraged in class. And my teacher- Renard (not Bernard, like I said in a previous post)...the disappointment in his face is heart wrenching. I just want to be good, so badly. One thing I learned the most while being here is the process is not only imperative but much more interesting than the final result. Instant gratification doesn't exist in art. A famous Stanislavsky quote that has stuck with me: Art is never finished, only abandoned. My process needs work. My shoulder stand is not there yet. This morning is my last movement class and I have one more chance to do a shoulder stand in Russia. But, it's not going to be the last attempt. I leave Moscow in 5 days. And I'm not ready to leave yet. There is so much more to soak in. So many more things to see. And I could take class here forever and still need more...but that's the point. To know that learning is never done was the lesson here. The hardest work will come when I board the plane and land in reality aka Detroit. If I was to push myself- it's up to me, not Russia. And I will keep taking ballet classes. That's my happiest time- sweating and cursing in class...trying with all my might- mind, spirit and body- to keep my leg in the air for Adagio. My feet just need muscle memory. It's a process. Consistent action no matter how small, has more power than you ever imagined.

Meeting Medea at Midsummer

So...if yesterday was rare...what was today? Did today even happen? Was it real?...I have so much to tell you! 2 classes, 2 shows, half a movie and...hmmm, nope that was all. :) I witnessed a most unique theatre experience...yet again. Each night, I see a different show, at a different theatre and they become my new favorite. Today was no exception- Midsummer Night's Dream, but not your typical play, Shaekspeare or otherwise. First off, it was a dress rehearsal and it's going to the Edinburgh Festival, so this was a very rare opportunity to be apart of it. When I walked into the space, there were no matching chairs, the stage was unfinished, made of plywood...the makeshift procinium was unfinished and bare...there was a chandelier on the floor and a huge tree trunk chillin' on the ground. Hmmm, I thought, maybe they are still fixing the space up.? Or is this part of the 'concept'?..so many questions...but before they could be answered, in walks Medea herself ( or more accurately, the actress who played her last night). Naturally I freaked out and ran right up to her and said,' Bravo!' To her face and clapped. She looked beautiful and was so gracious and humble. She hugged me and thanked me for coming...in English! ( of course she speaks English). She asked me my name and took a picture with me...haha! I melted with happiness. Seconds later, the tree trunk was being shoved down the middle of the aisle by people dressed in coveralls (these peeps were on a mission!) and the chandelier began to rise, next- a rush of people pushing the tree up and and over the stage....and then- a fountain cma enext down the asile, with water, I got soaked- by a hose spraying everywhere....hey, theatre is messy, didn't know it then, but I so do now. Next came people dressed in black and white tie apparel...patrons of the arts, some carrying flowers...some with furs...some with kids...I thought they were audience members, but they started walking up to the stage and then took seats surrounding the stage..even then, I still had no idea what was happening/ you could even do theatre like this. ..... I realize, right now, I don't have the right words or eyelids to write about this. I basically watched people walk on walls...a dog(Jack Russell) act, larger than life puppets, and then a fairy chorus of little girls dance like prima ballerinas....I am not doing any of this justice...what I want to say is- I witnessed something incredible and what I learned is: anything is possible, there are no limits, if you can dream it, do it. don't ever tell someone they can't do soemthing and more importantly, don't ever tell yourself you can't do something either, because you can! Anything is possible. Russia says so.

The Cranes Are Flying

Today was a rare day. I can feel the specialness. You know those days that are rough but somehow turn around, and you realize, it never really was a rough day in the first plac? Well, I had one of those. The rough stuff isnt even wirth talking about anymore. My day started off perfectly with Film History clas. We finished watching my new favorite film of all time: The Cranes Are Flying. If anyone is looking for a great classic movie to watch, please humor me and see this film. It won a Cannes Film Festival Award and was made in 1956. Film in Russia was changing rapidly at that time and this particular film is a prime example...and the woman who stars in it, Tatyana Samojilova, is brilliant. I won't blow it up anymore. It's just a wonderful representation of Russian film and there are English subtitles of course...but they are hardly needed...anyway. Enough bragging. All I know is, my heart and soul came flying open and I wept all morning thinking about it. But the good kind of weep. The hopeful kind. It's a movie about love and hope and war. And the way my awesome Russian teacher describes it in her broken English (but with a Yoda like quality) , "it's not war between, but war inside." so this brilliant actress should have gone on to have an amazing career right? But she didn't, because she as part of The Soviet and was not allowed to be in movies outside of the country. She was fortunate to do one more great project, Anna Karenina, but that was it. And that made me think- absolutely brilliant actors don't always get amazing careers. Am I willing to work the hardest I have and pour my heart and soul into a career that may end in me never being able to be known? And my answer came to me today - if she can, I can. If I can be an ounce of what I saw in that movie plus the one woman show of Medea I saw this evening...I will be more than willing. So I wept in the morning, had a humbling acting class in the afternoon, and wept in the evening while witnessing my favorite performance in Moscow thus far- a one woman Medea. I had no idea how touched I would be watching a woman, in an a room, with a chair. Talk about an Empty Space....this was a stak white room with windows, natural sunlight shinning through and our seats were pews, like church. Perfect for me because in my mind theatre=church, everything is art because God created life...this is my personal manifesto. So already I was ecstatic to be there. As she tells her story as Medea,I am weeping...all the while the sun is setting (ish, because the sun doesn't full set in Moscow, or so it feels)...it was a beautiful combination and when it was over (I was a mess), but I thought, I will never see anything like this again. And then it occurred to me...that goes for everything here in Moscow...or to take it even further...in life. There is beauty and amazingness all around us, and we will never witness these exact moments again. Everything is such a treasure. And no, I'm not high or drunk (for once) saying this. I feel so full tonight. Of joy. Of hope. Of happiness. The woman who was Medea tonight is Oksana Mysina and the show title is translated as, Theatre Medea (I believe). Again, it was all in Russian. I didn't understand a word she said. But I wept. The whole hour and a half. The power behind her eyes were captivating, human, honest, heartbreaking, thrilling, all at once. She makes me forget the biz oart of theatre and make worth the tough times...The tough times are gifts for us to become who we are meant to be. I promise I don't mean to sound like I know things, because I don't. I don't know anything except I love what I do. And I love being a student. I love and am grateful to have these opportunities. And I plan on packing every memory with me to take on my journey and passing them on to spread the word- life is grand. Want to hear a funny subway story? After the Magnificent Medea show we boarded the Metro per usual. And a very tipsy, ok, drunk, woman came onto the car...she came up to me and yelled some Russian, I believe she was asking me to get up and give her the seat I had. But I just smiled ( I was still stunned by the show and all hIgh on life), she didn't take my stillness for an answer and wedged her way into my seat, but I stuck my ground. The girls (and boy) I was with were laughing and looking on in shock as she continued to get comfy and elbow me in the face...she didn't hurt me, but what she did do is give me some great material for acting class tomorrow! We are doing observation etudes in class and boy oh boy, did I hit the jackpot. Thank you sloppy drunk and very rude subway lady! You just made my night!

The Russian Theatre Experience

This weekend marks the half way point of my adventures in Moscow. I know I shouldn't think about it like this, but I'm already sad. I can't help rehearsing what it will feel like to leave. It's like leaving behind a new friend that you feel like you've known for a long time. It feels like it could be home...but at the same time, I know it's not...so my only option is to not be sad, and soak in all the good stuff...and not let anything petty get in the way of my lust for Moscow. I may as well stay in love while I have the passion and I plan on picking Passion with me and bringing it to my 'for now home' in the States. who knows what will happen after I graduate this year...the excitement/anticipation is no loner scary, it's thrilling. I haven't really talked about what it's like to see wtheatre in Moscow since I've been here...it's much different than what I'm accustomed to. I've seen six shows plus one showcase of the MAXT students (Moscow Art Theatre, same place where I'm taking classes while m here). All of my Moscow Theatre experiences have been in different theatres, and I haven't even visited half of all of the theatres in this city yet. There are dozens of venues here in the city. It fascinates me how many 'art houses' (a name I just made up for theatres, concert halls, galleries, ect). And all of these theatres I have attended thus far have packed houses. On the streets at around 6pm you'll see many people holding bushels of flowers while walking in there amazing, fashionable outfits....because they are going to the theatre and giving flowers to their stars....just like the cartoons...at curtain call people walk up to the stage and hand their favorite actors flowers....and shout Brava! And clap in a rhythm (very different from U.S. clapping) for minutes after the shows. It's an event, and it's every night. And it's wonderful. The audience energy is magnetic and powerful. Every other person has their own personal opera glasses (must get some for myself so I can be like them). And the shows always ends with standing ovations. did I mention the plays are in Russian? You probably already gathered that...and you would think that it it would be hard to understand what's going on..or frustrating...or boring...but it's very much the opposite. Words are not the most important...and as a wanna be actor, that's crucial news to me. We know body language is what makes up most of our communication, so of course that makes sense in thestre as well. The physicality these actors have is incredible, and not human like. I've spoken with a few Russian actors and asked about their training, and the hours and dedication they put in puts my 70 hours a week to shame. They don't have the kind of doubt I have, they may question if they are 'good' like all of us do...but they don't question if this lifestyle is meant for them. It's in their bones. The dedication and committment level is truly admirable. Above all else, They are all so multi talented. They act, sing, dance, play instruments and tumble like acrobats. The things I see them do with their bodies are not so much impossible, but with such force and enegry, all while having the lightness of an angel....it makes me cry just trying to describe what they sweat out on stage for us. I can see them dying on stage for us, with grace and humility. It's not just me being ridiculous, I've seen 7 performances and the all have this in common: it's living, breathing art. Nothing about it is presentational, or polished coldly to perfection. It's raw, honest, authentic...and they are just people. They look 40 feet tall in stage. They look untouchable. But I see them in the cafeteria at school every day. They have rollers in their hair, they poke fun of my bad Russian, they smile at me when I drool all over them. I saw Peer Gynt walk out of the stage door in his jeans and stripped shirt and converse like shoes with his messenger bag, hopping' puddles and dodgin' the rain just like me. He's about 5 feet tall and 100 pounds soaking wet! But I had just seen him tear up the stage and roar like a lion, how could that be? Where did he come from? Seregi is his teacher and I'm taking his class right now, I asked him, where and what is that guy? Seregi said he comes from a little village in Russia and has only been acting for 6 years. I about shit myself. You mean he hasn't been singing and dancing out of the womb?! How? What? Can that be? Seregi told us, he was like a diamond, and all he did was cut him. Ever since he told us that, I have been praying to God, please, please let me be a diamond. And when I go to class every day in my head I'm screaming to my teachers CUT ME! Whenever I'm feeling tired, or sore, or crabby, or down on myself, I just think- well cutting isn't exactly going to feel good so just buck the f up and get cut! And all the while, like Vladimir says, (in angry Russian man voice) "SMILE!" Yes Sir; you got it.

Back in the....ahem. Moscow.

I'm back from St. Petersburg! Happy to be back at "home" in Moscow. If I had to choose between the two, Moscow would be my choice hands down. There's a big rivalry between Moscow and St. Pete's. Didn't know that before leaving...wish I knew more before goin, but then again, if I had known, then I wouldn't have gone and I would have missed out on some amazing experiences. Wait til you hear! ....
First off I took my first sleeper train ever...and. Stayed in my first hostel! It was really beautiful for a hostel...and the peeps running it were beyond sweet and accommodating. I was glad to have been there to say I did it...but it was a long couple of days of walking around a strange city with, who I now refer to as my partner in crime, Liz. I love her. I met her in the airport on the way to Moscow and I would love to continue to travel with her. She's fun, smart, independent, a great worker and caring....and I don't now what I would have done without her. We had awesome adventures.
St. Pete's is in Russia, but is 6 hours away by train (things among many I've learned: Russia is huge!). I visited the Hermitage which is where Czars used to live and is now the house of the finest art in the world. It attracts thousands of people at a time....and guess who I ran into?...GUIDO! One of the kids I met on the plane ride in Paris to Moscow. Small world indeed. It was so incredible to have a second encounter with this amazing young boy, or man, i should say. And his mom was with him, and I had the chance to talk with her which made my day...the whole 6 hour sleeper train ride was worth those few minutes. His mom was so sweet...she told me Guido had come home from his plane ride to say he met a famous American actress...ha! How cute is he? She took our picture and we talked for a few, it just filled my heart. I was so happy to see him and tell him how much I love his country. He was proud to show me off to his mom...it was a beautiful, unreal moment actually. Once again another piece of proof: there are no accidents.
Another amazing moment in St. Pete's- Liz and I did a marathon shopping tour, and while in line waiting to try on some super cute Russian clothes, I met the sweetest Russian, St. Petersburg native, girl named Ekatherina (pronounced Kah-tee-ah in English). She was so excited to talk with an American and "practice her English" and she wanted to show us the city. We had almost 6 hours to kill and had no idea what to do in the city so we jumped at the awesome opportunity. She is 17, but has the wisdom of a 50 year old woman. We told her how in love we were with Moscow, Russia, the people, the culture, the history....and she proceeded to bring us to reality and give us the real deal on what it's like thru her eyes. She told us of the real struggles and day to day life events of living in Russia. She reminded us that Russians are sometimes lazy and bored and depressed too...but not her. She has the greatest outlook on life. The 'right' one if you ask me. She said, and I won't quote her because she spoke with such elegance and intelligence and it's not even her language!...she said- I like to be happy and positive, and I don't hang around people who aren't because I want to be around happy, smiling, grateful people. Haha! Smart kid. Ditto Ekaterina. She showed us the most beautiful parts of the city, the Summer Gardens...with the biggest lilac bushes I'd ever seen, fountains....statues...trees so tall and green and people all around, playing reading, walking making out (lots of PDA over here). Ahhhh. So peaceful. We fell in love with the city thru her eyes,..and we so much enjoyed our time with her. We became Facebook friends and took pictures to capture the memory that will soon be elusive. It's so strange to think that this experience with be like a blink of an eye...and at the same time, it will leave such a mark on me, that I will never forget this blink. Ever.
So, I'm back in Moscow, where I love it best. I love the city life...as opposed to St. Pete's somewhat suburb-ish life. Today is Russia Day. Kind of like there independence day, but much much different than our kind of 4th of July celebration. We were told to stay in our dorms today, because there aren't fairs or parades...there are protests and gatherings of the "opposition" as they call it. The people of Russia gather in the Red Square to march and express there feelings of opposition towards their President...and from what a few Russian students told me, a lot of them do not like their Pessident. Like Guido had said to me on the plane, They don't get choices like we do. And although they are now a capitalist society...all is not well in Russia. In Moscow, yes, life is good in the city, because these city people have money....outside of Moscow, people are starving. These past few days have brought reality to he front burner and I'm now being more realistic about the country I'm in love with. My life is wonderful and I must be grateful and I need to ask myself: What can I do? How can I make things better?...for now, I will live up every moment and take advantage of the wonderful life and opportunities and blessings I have. But. I can't help feel a little guilty for being so fortunate.